The Real Deal About What I have Learned About Anxiety

Hey Everyone-

Of course it has been a while since I last posted. That is basically my MO these days. I decided to write this blog to hopefully help others in a similar situation. I never ever thought I would have any knowledge of anxiety. In fact- I had a VERY messed up view about what anxiety was and who got it. As I sit here and eat my second bag of sour gummy worms in two days- I can finally breathe in and out and talk about it.

Things in my life have been complicated and hectic these past 7 months. My family and I have moved across the country, been in one SUPER scary ER situation with Grafton and then a not so scary ER situation with Grafton, and I had one of the most important people in my life pass away. Might I add- all of those situations happened EXACTLY all within a month and half of each other. To say I have been a little off is an understatement.

I got the news on April 25th that my sweet beloved Memaw had passed away unexpectedly. I remember where I was. I remember what I was doing in the moments leading up to the now hated phone call I got from my mother who was hurting just as badly as I was. I remember thanking God Grafton was asleep and taking an excellent nap. I remember my husband picking up my broken and exhausted body up off the floor as he barreled in the front door. It was such a profound moment in my life that I don't know I will ever forget it. I say that to say that a month and a half earlier I had a similar situation where I thought I was losing my one and only child in my arms in an urgent care waiting room trying not to pass out and freak out myself. While I don't feel strong enough to talk about that yet- he is TOTALLY fine and nothing life threatening actually ended up happening. It was enough to shake us to our core though.

In my short 26 years on this Earth- I had never had a life shattering circumstance. I never experienced losing someone. In a month and a half- I had a moment where I THOUGHT I was losing my child, I lost my life in Atlanta, and then my one and only Memaw was taken. We ended up driving through the night from South Bend, Indiana to Freeport, FL the day we found out she died. It took us 16 hours and some odd time. It was awful.I remember feeling so proud of myself for not crying in front of Grafton or my family. I knew I had to be strong for everyone else the entire trip. What I didn't know is that when that adrenaline wore off- I was in for a crappy situation.

Grafton and I were supposed to be flying down in the middle of May to visit everyone. Delta was so kind to reimburse me the money I paid for my plane ticket, so Grafton and I stayed in Thomasville for a while with my parents and visited. A week before we were supposed to fly back home- I got a weird feeling in my chest. I felt like I couldn't breath unless I was taking deep breathes. I wasn't crying or hyperventilating or even stressed out. I ended up going to the doctor the next day where he explained that it was probably stress or a pulled muscle. A few days later- it got so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack and ended up in the ER. The ER diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder. I remember looking at my mom and scoffing at the doctor. " I don't have an anxiety disorder. I have a great life. I have nothing to worry about. I'm fine. These things don't happen to people like me. I don't even feel stressed." I kept saying all of these things. The ER doctor kindly explained to me that this happens all the time to people. Too much stress and your brain immediately shuts down the stress part of your brain. Your body cannot do that. My body decided to fall apart and plead for the rest it needed by giving me some interesting things to deal with.

BOY WAS I WRONG ABOUT ANXIETY-Here we are 4 months later almost to the day and I had a panic attack TODAY! I have been in and out of doctors appointments. I was finally put on anxiety medication and sent to a counselor (which I actually LOVE and recommend that everyone should do). I have been consumed with worry. This has been especially concerning to me being a Christian. I recently read a book that explained what it was like to be a Christian and have an anxiety disorder. He explained that for the person it is a constant pattern of anxiety and guilt. Repeat. I couldn't have said it better myself. I would have anxiety about having anxiety because I knew I should trust God and his plan for my life. I should trust that he was going to take care of Grafton. I should trust it was time for us to move and Memaw to be taken home. I should trust if I get cancer then it is part of a bigger plan. But I knew that I didn't truly feel any of that. The anxiety of all those things were still there and wouldn't go away no matter how much I prayed or asked. Then the guilt set in because I knew I didn't truly believe those things. I felt like I shouldn't be going to a counselor for my problems when Jesus is my counselor. I shouldn't be taking medicine to help my body stop being anxious. This has been going on for months yall.

I have hit a point where I am learning to slow down. Say it is OK. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to get everything done on my to do list done in one day. God still loves me. He is still reaching for me and pulling me into his embrace. He is NOT disappointed in my decisions thus far (well some decisions i'm sure but the medicine and counselor part). I say all of this for those struggling with anxiety that are struggling because that is me. hand raised. shouting hard. I had no idea anxiety was chest pains, upset stomach, indigestion, feeling like you just don't want to get off the couch, and so mentally exhausting. SO...for anyone struggling. I hear you. I feel you. Reach out to me if you need to chat! You are great and are doing the best you can! At the end of the day-God has it all in His hands. We cannot change that.